I was planning a vacation, and spent hours reading hotel reviews on the Internet. Though they aren’t high literature by any stretch of the imagination, hotel reviews are fascinating: they offer insight into what people consider to be proper behavior for hosts and welcoming for guests. You’d be surprised how many think that clean sheets and bathrooms constitute the whole of good hospitality. Now, I’m a fan of stainless sheets and sparkling toilets, too, but there is much more to radical hospitality than cleanliness.
Hospitality is a word with deep spiritual meaning across traditions. In the Hebrew Bible, the Jewish people are reminded over and over to treat strangers well, as they were once strangers in a strange land. In fact, there are laws about it! Jewish traditions include welcoming non-Jews for Shabbat and Jewish stories are filled with tales of strangers that arrive at inopportune times and are invited to stay without question.
Jesus loved strangers. He welcomed any and all to his table. The lepers, the poor, women (gasp!), and the downtrodden were all given food, attention, and care, no questions asked. Following his lead, the Benedictine monks and nuns had an open door policy, welcoming any and all strangers to their monasteries, feeding them and giving them a place to sleep for however long they needed. Hospitality is one of the essential Rules of Benedict.
Islam is also very hospitality centered. The Prophet, PBUH, said, "He who believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him show hospitality to his guest.” There are many rules about how to care for guests, and, I can tell you from years of experience, you don’t walk into a Muslim home without being offered tea, food, or given a seat of honor. The same is true in Hinduism. The recognition that all people are Divine, Namaste, means that everyone is Krishna in disguise and should be treated that way. Indigenous cultures treat all beings as kin, which means hospitality is deeply embedded. You are family, whether you like it or not.
Japanese tea ceremony, which comes from the Zen tradition, is ritual hospitality to the nth degree. The highest virtue of a tea ceremony host is to take care of the guests, down to the minutest detail. If the host were to fail in this, say accidentally making the tea too hot, spilling a few drops, or not having cleared all trip-able obstacles from the path to the tea house, he or she would feel almost suicidal shame. It’s a bit extreme, but it is symbolic of deep respect for the comfort, safety, and pleasure of guests.
My teacher, Lao, had an aphorism about hospitality: Be a good host and a good guest. It’s one of my favorite teachings, and every time it comes to mind, I can’t help but break out into song, cheerily hopping around my house singing “Be Our Guest” from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. (Yes, it’s true. I’m that weird).
You're alone
And you're scared
But the banquet's all prepared
No one's gloomy or complaining
While the flatware's entertaining
We tell jokes! I do tricks
With my fellow candlesticks
Be our guest. Be our guest. Be our guest!
But being a good host goes beyond twirling teapots and dancing demi tasse. It means being unconditionally welcoming, generous without expectation, and attentive to the needs of others. It means putting others first. If you’ve ever been the recipient of deep hospitality, you know what it feels like to be truly cared for (and when you haven’t been cared for, you know that feeling, too).
Putting yourself in the stranger’s shoes, knowing, as Lumière sings, “You’re alone and you’re scared,” is the root of being a good host. Of course, not everyone shows up in a beast’s castle on a rainy night, but at our core, we are all in need of someone who sees us, recognizes our pain or our needs, and goes out of their way to make us feel like we are safe and belong, that we are valuable and worthy. We all need to feel loved. That’s the essence of hosting.
We all need to feel loved. That’s the essence of hosting.
The part people forget is being a good guest. That means more than not trashing your room or getting lipstick on the towels. It’s pretty basic to offer to help your host with the dishes, be grateful for the care you receive, and above all, be generous with a tip. In reading hotel reviews, however, it was clear to me that some of these folks must have been pretty awful guests.
The important part of being a good guest is recognizing that it is an honor to be served by a host. The host has gone of their way to make sure you have what you need because they care. While it’s true that not all people in the hospitality industry truly care, they at least feign it. Telling them (or writing a scathing review) that the care you receive isn’t sufficient (based on whatever entitled sense of perfection you have) is pretty rude. After all, they could just as well turn you out to sleep in the cold with no dinner.
At the root, being a good guest is as much about caring for the host as being cared for by the host. It’s reciprocal. Appreciation and gratitude are due. That’s hospitality, too.
At the root, being a good guest is as much about caring for the host as being cared for by the host. That’s hospitality, too.
In every interaction, we are either the host or the guest. When you go to the grocery store, you are the guest. Don’t yell at the kid at the checkout counter for being a little slow. Say thank you to the bagger. When the Amazon delivery person lugs that 80-pound bag of cat litter to your door, you are the host. Help them with their load and say thank you. Customer service is all about host/guest dynamics. Don’t yell at the person on the other end of the phone; they are doing the best they can. As Julia Kristeva notes in her book Strangers to Ourselves, the ethical challenge of hospitality is to be "able to live with the others, to live as others, without ostracism but also without leveling."
On a larger scale, we are all hosts and guests on this planet. We are all cosmic hosts and guests. What does it mean to be a planetary host? What does it mean to be a cosmic guest? This is a radical way of thinking about hospitality.
If I am a host on this planet, that means I treat everyone and everything as a guest. I take care of their needs, do what I can to help them feel safe, belonging, worthy, loved, fed, and sheltered, and consider it both a responsibility and an honor to do so. Ecologically, that means I try to make my planet home welcoming to all. I keep it clean and safe. I take care of the land, the plants, and the animals, too.
If I am a guest on this planet, I try to be grateful for what I receive, do my best not to mess things up, and if possible, leave the campground in better condition than I found it. I pick up my own trash. I don’t use more than I need. I treat all beings as my hosts. I remember that it is an honor to be here.
When it comes right down to it, spiritually, we are all guests. Life (Or the Divine) itself is the ultimate host. What a banquet it has set for us! As Mrs. Potts sings,
It's a guest!
It's a guest!
Sakes alive, well, I'll be blessed
Wine's been poured, and thank the lord
Come on and lift your glass
You've won your own free pass
To be our guest
For another way of looking at hospitality, consider Rumi’s famous poem, “The Guest House.” Be a good host to all that comes your way.
THE GUEST HOUSE, by Jalaluddin Rumi
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Beautifully written and a timely reminder, thank you (being a good guest!).
Lao shared that line with me Right after he apologized for being late to our meeting because he had been at an exorcism that had run late. I chuckled and asked, What does one say at an exorcism that's running late? He told me that dealing with demons is like dealing with anyone else. Be a good host and be a good guest. That practical wisdom serves me well when being cornered at a dinner party and forced into small talk. I have not had a chance to test it on demons yet... or maybe I have, and it worked so well that I didn't notice. 😎