Grief: Letting Go vs. Letting In
A Guest Post by Daria Leslea
GUEST POST: In the aftermath of the Election, when many are feeling unimaginable grief, I asked a colleague of mine, Daria Leslea, a deeply compassionate Grief Specialist to share her wisdom for managing grief. I hope it provides some healing.
To find your path to peace
you will have to meet your pain
and speak its name. ~Tutu
In our grief avoidant culture, we have forgotten how to speak our shared ancient language of grief. We have come to see grief as something to be bypassed instead of seeing it as a natural reaction to loss. Grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience within ourselves, the internal meaning we give to our experience of loss. Grief is much like a labyrinth in that the way in is also the way out.
Rather than meeting our pain, we have learned to talk about it instead of feeling it. We seem to talk most about how we should let it go. What does it mean to “let go” of someone or something that you love? How exactly do we do this? When we let go of something we drop it, dismiss it, sever ties with it, we leave it behind. When we look at feelings in this way it is easy to see them as separate from ourselves. We regard our emotions of grief, and the other more “difficult or dark” emotions, as they have come to be known, as objects that we can manage, overcome, disengage from, and deny. They have become known as the “dark” emotions because we try to hide them or keep them in the dark. When we try to control our emotions, they become displaced or dislocated, and then we begin to see them as something outside of ourselves that we can master or dismiss. But emotions are not outside of us; emotions live within our bodies. So, is it possible to let go of something that lives inside of us?
The word emotion (e-motion) means energy that wants to move so our emotions can be experienced (felt) not analyzed or understood. All emotions are valuable, sacred, and contain holy wisdom as they are energies that get our attention and ask for expression. Even if we had never learned language or used words, we would still feel the felt sense of our emotions as they move through us, we just wouldn’t have words to try and contain them. Emotions are like an invisible force moving through us and because we can’t see them, we think if we suppress, deny or avoid our feelings they will just go away. Instead, they can build up like toxins and get stuck in our bodies which can affect us physically (headaches, tense muscles, stomach issues), emotionally (irritability, depression, anxiety), and spiritually (numbness, withdrawal, hopelessness). Our inner life wants and needs to be felt.
The Sufi poet Rumi says we should be grateful for whatever feeling comes our way as each feeling has been sent as a guide from beyond. So instead of trying to separate ourselves from our grief maybe we can acquaint ourselves with it by letting it in. When we allow our grief to act as a guide it will weave its way into our being as it finds its rightful place within us and in our lives. It will show us the way to move through our pain. Whenever we turn to meet our grief, we stop resisting what is, learn to slow down and turn inward to give our feelings a chance to surface—to move through us—so we can bear witness to our pain.
Each time we make the effort to get to know grief, we also come to know ourselves a bit more and how we have been changed by its presence in our lives. We come to understand that grief is not only the pain we feel but is also part of the process by which we are healed. When grief is allowed to be felt and expressed pain can be transformed into wisdom, sadness into compassion, heartbreak into empathy, suffering into kindness, despair into hope, longing into connection, struggle into peace, and even sorrow can turn into healing.
Grief affects our whole being so we will feel it in every aspect of our being. To let grief in, to let it move inside of us, we must give ourselves permission to fully inhabit all the uncomfortable ways it may show up without trying to change it or fix it in order to make ourselves feel better or numb. When grief moves through us it can feel like an overall heaviness; an ache in our chest; tightness in our throats; fatigue that isn’t alleviated by rest (lethargy of grief); sleep disturbances; and numerous other physical sensations.
When we allow ourselves to feel the physicality of our grief we learn the body aches just like the heart. Emotionally we may feel a multitude of wave like emotions that ask for comfort. Emotions such as sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, guilt, and many others that may wash over us. Cognitively our thought processes may be confused, we may experience decreased ability to concentrate, our memory may be impaired for a time, or we may be unable to complete tasks (polyphasic behavior). Spiritually we may begin to question everything including our faith as we examine the meaning of life. Even though it can be excruciating and frightening to feel the intensity of all these different aspects of grief this pain may just be what healing feels like.
We make room for these emotions by giving them our nonjudgmental attention that allows us to attend to our wounds with gentleness and compassion. We allow our feelings to move through us in small doses as this new reality slowly sinks in. We let ourselves express our pain in whatever way we need and practice acts of self-care that are nurturing for us. We may wail, curse, scream, maybe we even find ourselves in a heap on the floor, and we cry never ending tears. The chemical makeup of these tears is different from other types of tears. They contain hormones that lower blood pressure, slow our breathing and heart rate which helps to calm the nervous system. So, yes, tears are healing.
We may talk and talk and talk some more as we tell our story of loss with those who can truly listen and honor our story. Every story matters and reminds us that death ends a life, not a relationship. Walking in nature is a good reminder that in the darkness even the tiniest seed finds its way toward the light. Take time to rest. Long hot baths can help to soothe our muscles and our souls. Remember to hydrate. Snuggling with loved ones and pets can help us feel less alone. Stretch. Journaling is a good way to bring our feelings out of the darkness and expose them to the healing of the light. Breathe. Sit with a hand on your heart, acknowledge the ache that resides there, and just be. Do whatever feels nurturing and don’t try to rush grief. Let it take its time so you can learn from the wisdom, compassion, kindness, gentle strength, and love that it has to share.
It is true that the only way to heal grief is to go through it. Healing is an ongoing process that happens from the inside out. It is not something that we can force to happen but instead have to let happen. Healing allows our hearts to be stretched wide enough to hold our grief as it reveals more of who we came here to be.
So, the next time grief comes knocking at your door rather than trying to let it go, or trying to dismiss or control it, meet it at the door and let it in. Then show it to the best and most comfortable seat in your heart because it will be there a while, and in doing so, you begin to speak its name.
Daria Leslea is a former hospice nurse who now works as a grief therapist, yoga therapist, certified addiction specialist, spiritual director, and Interfaith/Interspiritual minister in Englewood, Colorado. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology and is certified in Death and Transition Studies as well as the Companioning Model of Grief, and Traumatic Bereavement. As a yoga therapist she is certified in yoga for grief and trauma sensitive yoga from the Trauma Center in Boston, MA. She has studied with Alan Wolfelt at the Center for Loss; Joanne Cacciatore at the MISS Foundation; Frances Weller in Grief Rituals; Malidoma Some in Community Grief Rituals; and Frank Ostaseski, Ram Dass, and others in Mindfulness in Grief at the Metta Institute. As a bereaved mother Daria knows first hand how sorrow can transform us when we allow it to move through us. Her own experience as well as walking with others in their grief has shown her how loss makes our hearts tender and stretches them wide so we are able to hold all that we may encounter. Because of this she is able to be a compassionate, caring, and empathetic companion to others on their grief journey.
A true description of grief, thankyou Daria. It helps others to know all of what you describe is normal is real and is "allowed" rather than to be denied because emotions make those around us feel uncomfortable. I hope your message reaches many who can them give themselves permission to be with their grief and essentially heal. love you friend.
What a beautiful and eloquent writing on this topic. Thank you Daria and Lauren!!!