Thou Shalt Not Feel Bad
And other harmful myths
At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it. – Thich Nhat Hanh
In a recent Ezra Klein Show podcast episode, Ezra and fellow essayist and journalist James Pogue had a fascinating conversation about a fundamental worldview difference between the New Right and the Liberal Left. In a nutshell, they divided the two based on the difference between ideas of active, classical self and world improvement (read the Stoics, the Bible, The Dao De Jing, The Dhammapada, The Vedas, and Enlightenment philosophy) and an emotional, therapeutic approach to removing our “failings” as human beings in attempt to realize some kind of Edenic, psycho-social perfection.
In other words, they suggested there are two polar-opposite views of how we become better people in a better world. One is additive, the other subtractive. One is based on actions and behaviors you must cultivate - what you have to do — to be better, and the other based on what you must not think, feel or do. It’s similar to the Buddhist concept of attraction and aversion: humans either go towards the things they are attracted to, or away from the things they are repulsed by.
When I heard this, it rang a bell. It echoed my own concerns with the way that much of modern spirituality has become about “feel-good” psychology and therapy, based on practices that are intended to purge ourselves of any negative feelings, traumas, or failings as human beings (things we are repulsed by) and replace them with vague ideas about love and the “evolution of consciousness.” This is counter to traditional spiritual aspirations that push us to reach towards ideals we are attracted to and urge behaviors that are concrete, even if they make us uncomfortable or are hard.
Traditional spirituality is additive and aspirational, involving specific actions with specific outcomes: modern and New Age spirituality is subtractive and emotional, based more on our feelings than our behaviors, and purging ourselves of any negativity. It’s all about what you feel, not what you do.
Now, I realize that’s a broad stroke, and there are definite psychological benefits to even traditional spirituality, but I’m making a point related to our theme for the month: spirituality cannot be separated from action. And I’m hammering this point because in the modern spiritual world, it’s almost taboo.
Along those lines, I was recently given the opportunity to read a pre-publication copy of a new spiritual book proclaiming, as many other New Age tomes do, that all we need to do is “open our hearts” and all suffering will end. I will be honest and say that this kind of magical thinking is exactly why modern spirituality has a bad rap. It’s fluff.
I’m not saying that we don’t need to open our hearts or that an increase of love won’t be useful, but believing that feelings of love alone will help us become better people in a better world is like believing that you can pull energy out of thin air. (Apologies to John Lennon and to those who are currently working on Free Energy machines). Love is a verb. It requires specific actions, not just wishful thinking or warm, fuzzy feelings.
Every spiritual tradition has given us a “to-do” list, outlining specific actions that must be undertaken that help us become better people in a better world. The Hebrew Bible lists 613. Buddhists cite 108. Daoists have 180. Even Jesus gave specific actions that constitute “Love.” And guess what? None of them have to do with what you feel about it. Not a single one says, “Thou shalt not feel bad.” (Though, Judaism does take feelings into account when making law, always erring on the side of less emotional harm, if possible).
Nothing in traditional spirituality says “Thou Shalt Always Be Happy,” or that life isn’t difficult and we don’t have times of deep pain and unfathomable suffering. That’s just part of the package and we can’t escape it or wish it away. It’s also the Buddha’s First Noble Truth: things not going perfectly the way you want is part of life. The question is what you do about it.
The Buddha outlined the Noble Eightfold Path, describing specific actions that relieve suffering: Right View, Right Motivation, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Samadhi. There isn’t one about Right Feeling. There is no instruction to go into victim mentality, whine, cry or blame it on your past, and no instruction to bypass it through some kind of bliss-bunny fantasy. That’s a modern misrepresentation that treats Buddhist meditation as nothing more than a mental health therapeutic, and why mindfulness is the rage: it’s all about therapy.
Tough as that sounds, the Buddha wasn’t the only action-oriented teacher. In the Bhagavad Gita, when Arjuna is feeling badly about killing his brethren in battle, Krishna doesn’t tell him to go and process that emotion until he lets go of the trauma. He says, “Yeah, it sucks, but get over it and do what you are instructed to do.”
Other traditions have similar instruction manuals. In fact, that’s what most spiritual texts are: instruction manuals for becoming better people in a better world through specific actions or behaviors. Now, some might say many of those instructions seem pretty harsh or aren’t in keeping with our modern sensibilities or morality, but the point here is that they are about actions, not feelings. And, they are difficult to do. Do you think upholding all 613 mitzvot (Jewish commandments) or 180 Daoist precepts is easy or convenient? It’s not meant to be.
Moreover, with the exception of the Augustinian version of Christianity, which claims that we are born sinful and must purge ourselves of any evil, resulting in a whole lot more trauma, self-flagellation and suffering, most instructions are in the affirmative: they are things to do, not not do: they are Thou Shalts, not Thou Shalt Nots. Sure, there are things we probably shouldn’t do if we want to be better people in a better world, but by and large, there are more things we ought to do. And, though not often recognized, Jesus was exceptionally good at pointing out the “to-dos.”
When I teach about setting intentions in spirituality, I talk about intention being something you want to bring in, not something you want to get rid of. After all, the root of intention is -in, not out. This is the inspirational aspect of a spiritual life. We are being inspired to do better. Plus, if you focus on what you want to bring in and actively pursue that, the stuff you think you want to get rid of will naturally be pushed out. For example, if I want to bring in peace, and I do specific things to help that like meditate or take walks in nature or be kind to others, anything that is not peace will go away. There simply won’t be room.
Again, simplistic, but what I am getting at is that if we actually use our spirituality to go towards the things we want, and not away from the things we don’t want, we stand a better chance of getting somewhere besides a temporary feeling of bliss. And the things we want - the things that will help us become better people in a better world - are aspirational, something to reach for, something that asks us to stretch and grow. Love, for example, is something that asks to expand ourselves and go beyond our self-centered comfort zone.
Rather than treating our spirituality and practice as some kind of emotional and moral detox, trying to purify ourselves into some kind of negativity-free perfection or salvational future, try viewing it as an opportunity to bring in the qualities we to which aspire through specific to-dos that aren’t about perfection but about continuing to grow.
After all, if we want to become better people in a better world, which is the ultimate purpose of spirituality, we need to aspire towards that. That means we have to do things that move us in that direction, not away from it. As Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote: “When we fulfill a mitzvah and perform a desirable action, we achieve the cleaving of humanity with God.”
So I ask this: what does your spiritual life aspire to? What are you going towards? What are you reaching for? And what actions are you willing to take to get there?
Faith without works is dead - James 2:26
Thank you 🙏💜